Jan's Healing

My Journey with God

As I prepared to go to Kenya to serve God full time on the mission field I wanted God to chip away everything in my life that needed to be removed to help me look more like Jesus. I never knew it would be so painful! But I have learned to Praise the Lord through adversity. I have tried now to document only a small amount of what He revealed to me during our spiritual journey together. I am praying that it will bless others to hear of God’s faithfulness to one who cried out to Him.

On June 3, 2008 during orientation training for going on the mission field to Kenya, we had a time of personal spiritual retreat. During this time I wrote these words in my journal:

“Dear Lord, as you search me and examine my heart, may you reveal to me all that displeases you. My heart’s desire is to please you and if it takes letting go of other things that are presently in my heart to do that, I give you permission to rid them from my heart and my life that I might be a living sanctuary for you.”

On Friday June 6, 2008, our loving and gracious heavenly Father knocked me completely off of my feet in order to get my complete attention. What began as panic attacks during a stressful part of our training worsened over the next few weeks until I suffered a nervous breakdown. There were many days that I was barely able to get out of the bed and put one foot in front of the other. I lost weight as my stomach was so nervous, it would not allow me to even eat. There were many sleepless nights and long, dark days. I continued to slide down and down until I was at the bottom of a slimy pit crying out to God to deliver me.

Over the past few years, I have been very busy being a “do-er” for the Lord. Even though I spent time with the Lord every day, I put more value on my “work” for Him than I put on my time “being” with Him. I am sad to say that I even took great pride in my achievements and accomplishments for the Lord. I was so busy doing that I could not be all God wanted me to be. Even though it was through a painful process, He allowed me to be placed in a position that all I could do was to “be still” before Him and focus my eyes and my heart on Him. Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations. I believe that He had many things He wanted to tell me that would allow me to serve Him more effectively on the mission field and He wanted me to know them before I left home. God is Sovereign and His hand is in every experience that happens in my life. I never doubted that He was allowing me to suffer this much pain for a very important reason and I wanted to come out rejoicing. If I allowed Him, He would receive all the glory!

Over the years God has allowed me to hide some of His Word in my heart. It was these verses that kept going through my heart and mind during my darkest hours when I was too weak to even read my Bible. This has given me a stronger desire to continue to memorize His Word.

I knew that God had a plan and a purpose for me and that it was not to harm me but to give me hope and a future. So I began to pray to Him and seek Him with all of my heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13) As I cried out for insight and understanding, I began to search God’s Word and He revealed to me many hidden treasures. He increased my wisdom and understanding of who He is and how much He loves me and wants me to live a victorious life. (Proverbs 2: 1-12)

One of the major things I learned is that God doesn’t need me and my many talents to accomplish His work, but I need His mercy and His grace every day. Now as I have spent many hours crying out to God from the bottom of a slimy pit, He has revealed Himself to me in ways I never knew Him before. He has revealed sins to me that I needed to confess. He has brought to my mind attitudes that needed to change. He has brought to my mind forgiveness that I needed to extend to others who have hurt me. God reminded me that He wanted a broken and contrite heart from me. (Psalm 51: 17) I needed some humbling. As I have spent time “being still” with the one I love, it has increased my spiritual hunger to know Him more and more.

Because God loves me so much, despite the pain or suffering I may go through, somehow He will work it out for my good. The painful time that I went through was a refining process that has allowed me to grow so much closer to Him. 1 Peter 5:10-11 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen.
God taught me that confession really is good for my soul. I learned that confession is more than just confessing my sins (which takes a while when I get specific). Confession is also baring my heart and soul before God. Confession takes place every time I tell God how much I need Him in my life. Confession is also believing that God has forgiven me and taken my sins and thrown them behind His back, never to be seen again (Isaiah 38:17).

God has the answers for all of my trials and He wants me to understand each and everyone. Sometimes He uses Scripture, other times He uses pain, but many times He uses other believers. Some who have gone through the same pain or have learned the same lesson and others who have studied His Word and are able to explain it plainly to simple folk like me.

As I have suffered through some of the darkest days of my life thus far, God revealed to me the importance of prayer partners and prayer warriors. Having partners to share my pain and lift it up to the Father is such a blessing. I now know how important it will be to keep these prayer partners informed of specific prayer needs and praises of the work we see God doing.

He revealed to me my selfishness and that I did not really love people enough. So He placed some awesome Christian examples in my life to reveal what real love looks like.

He sent me friends who were willing to completely change their plans to center around my needs and how they could help ease my pain. This was not just for one day but every day until they saw I was able to keep my head above water. These friends offered not only their time but offered themselves totally to me.
He gave me loving people who provided more than just a place for me to stay as I listened to God, but also showed genuine love through listening ears, hugs, companionship and food. While invading their daily routine, I was able to observe precious genuine love as I watched this couple’s example of how God designed a husband and wife to serve and respect one another.

As I continued to sit at His feet, He began to change my attitude toward my trial. He was showing Himself to me each day in new ways and His consolation was beginning to bring joy to my soul. (Psalm 94:18-19) I began to find joy in my sufferning. James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

God taught me that life with Him is not immune from difficulties, but peace in difficulties. Joy can be the result of faithfully trusting and accepting His will, when it seems not joyous. Phil 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice. This verse taught me that I don’t have to rejoice in my circumstances, but to rejoice in the LORD!

As I persevered, God continued to bless me and bless me. His compassioned never failed. As I waited on Him, He continued to show His faithfulness every day. (Lamentations 3:22-25)

God revealed to me that my husband loves me!! (In spite of myself! Family joke). He has stood beside me and cared for me in ways he has never had to before. He has proven that he will be there for me wherever the Lord takes us together.

One of the toughest lessons God wanted me to learn was that He must come before everything else and that included family, even grandchildren. He helped me to realize that Hayden and Layne are already a part of a wonderful church family and have very loving Christian parents who will tell them about Christ and model His love for them. There are many young children in Kenya that may never hear of His love and hope if I don’t go and let God use me to tell them and let them see His love in me. This has given me such peace about being separated from my family.

I am now more excited about going to Kenya and serving my risen Savior than I have ever been. I now feel like I understand God’s motive in putting me through this purification process. I pray that I will yield more fruit for His Kingdom having gone through the fire. He not only reached down and delivered me from the bottom of the pit and place me on the solid rock of Jesus Christ, but He also put a new song in my mouth!! Give God the praise and the Glory!

I waited patiently for the LORD;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.
Psalm 40:1-3